The night my husband was packing for this deployment I brought up a question I had been dwelling on.
Why is it so hard to trust God sometimes?
It doesn't make logical sense for someone who has experienced God to choose fear over trust. At first I didnt recognize I was making a choice, but then it was clear. I was aware that I was at a point of choosing, and it felt natural to give in to my emotions and my fears.
I felt this feeling of being frozen. The feeling of- I just don't want to. I really can't explain it other than that.
Why is it so hard to trust God sometimes?
It doesn't make logical sense for someone who has experienced God to choose fear over trust. At first I didnt recognize I was making a choice, but then it was clear. I was aware that I was at a point of choosing, and it felt natural to give in to my emotions and my fears.
I felt this feeling of being frozen. The feeling of- I just don't want to. I really can't explain it other than that.
I think I am consumed with fear. It's stifling me. I am worried about this pregnancy going well. I'm worried about going into labor before G gets home. I'm worried about not having enough friends or anyone that could be there if anything happened with the kids, the baby, myself...if something happened to Garrett. Im worried about being alone. I worried about what these back to back deployments are doing to my sons. I'm worried about plane crashes and mortar attacks. I'm worried about Afghanistan, the end of this war, and what our future looks like, and where he'll deploy next and how soon he'll leave again. When can we get out of this mess. What is next for our family... CONSUMED with fear.
Not trusting God makes me fearful, emotional, bitter, miserable.
Staying connected 'to the vine' (John 15:5) provides acceptance, fulfillment, comfort, peace.
Being cut off ends up in chaos, failure, exhaustion, desperation.
I know from real experiences that in the worst times trusting God provides peace beyond logic or understanding.
I know from real experiences that in the worst times trusting God provides peace beyond logic or understanding.
It doesn't make sense that we forget or that we fail to pursue him, that we turn away, that we choose fear over a father (protector and provider)
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My 5 year old was asking tons of questions about death while I was struggling through this. (I wrote that top part 2 weeks ago) Eventually in our conversation he said he didnt want to let God decide, that he wanted to decide when he or anyone else dies. I told him that he has to trust God. He said "I dont know how to trust God"(meaning he didnt know what it meant) I started telling him stories of how God has worked in our family and why I know for a fact that God is trustworthy. Through all the scares and struggles, through little things and more serious things - He has always come through, even during the really painful times of loss God's promises and words have always been true.
So why do we struggle to trust? I'm still confused by our human nature. I know I'm not alone in this. There are many lines in songs and people in the Bible who were afraid, who needed reminding of God's power and promises and faithfulness. Validating that struggle between trust and fear. But I'm so thankful that God doesnt treat me like I treat him. I know when I'm wrong. So I run and hide, ashamed to face him or come to him with anything because I know I've failed in this way. He doesn't just sit and wait. He doesn't just cross his arms and say FINE WHATEVER. He doesn't move onto someone else who does a better job than me.
I love that I know/that I feel - he is pursuing me, he reaches me through many ways. Music, Conversations, talking to my kids. He tries however he can to remind me that He already knew I would struggle, he already sent me a savior. He already knew where I would fail and he chose a long long time ago that I was worth it anyway.
I can not imagine choosing another way of life- apart from his pursuit, his comfort, his promises.
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"What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered." Matt 10:27-30
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..." 1 John 4:18
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My 5 year old was asking tons of questions about death while I was struggling through this. (I wrote that top part 2 weeks ago) Eventually in our conversation he said he didnt want to let God decide, that he wanted to decide when he or anyone else dies. I told him that he has to trust God. He said "I dont know how to trust God"(meaning he didnt know what it meant) I started telling him stories of how God has worked in our family and why I know for a fact that God is trustworthy. Through all the scares and struggles, through little things and more serious things - He has always come through, even during the really painful times of loss God's promises and words have always been true.
So why do we struggle to trust? I'm still confused by our human nature. I know I'm not alone in this. There are many lines in songs and people in the Bible who were afraid, who needed reminding of God's power and promises and faithfulness. Validating that struggle between trust and fear. But I'm so thankful that God doesnt treat me like I treat him. I know when I'm wrong. So I run and hide, ashamed to face him or come to him with anything because I know I've failed in this way. He doesn't just sit and wait. He doesn't just cross his arms and say FINE WHATEVER. He doesn't move onto someone else who does a better job than me.
I love that I know/that I feel - he is pursuing me, he reaches me through many ways. Music, Conversations, talking to my kids. He tries however he can to remind me that He already knew I would struggle, he already sent me a savior. He already knew where I would fail and he chose a long long time ago that I was worth it anyway.
I can not imagine choosing another way of life- apart from his pursuit, his comfort, his promises.
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"What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered." Matt 10:27-30
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..." 1 John 4:18
