Carepackage

I decided to go ahead and blog about my Hunger Games themed care package I sent to my husband this last deployment. We've read all the books and we really enjoy the story. If you have not read all the books it could possibly be a **spoiler alert** for you. However with how loosely the movies seem to be based on the books, you might be just fine. ;)

I had this vision of the box being covered in the map of Panem. It's not exactly how I wanted just because I forgot I don't have a giant wallpaper sized printer!

First I enjoyed a lovely pumpkin frapp from Starbucks. Then I washed the cup out, used alcohol and cotton balls to scrub the paint off. I filled it up with slips of paper that were love/respect notes, lyrics to our songs, love lines from the movie, encouraging scriptures. Much better chances that the odds were indeed in his favor! Cracker Jacks from Trader Joes

I couldnt very well send goat cheese to Afghanistan. We dont drink cows milk at home, but you cant be choosey in military chow halls. So I sent him Prim's Goat Milk aka Chocolate Almond milk!

 If you've read Catching Fire, you may remember (the people who made the movie didnt) the "last supper" they had on the beach .Catching tons of shellfish and oysters. Eating the bread from District 3. They get a gift from District 4 of "spicy red sauce" probably cocktail sauce to enjoy their seafood. G's powdered eggs and processed meats could probably use a little flavor! (gluten free)

 My husband was having sleeping troubles so I sent him some sleep syrup, unfortunately he is in a flying career field and melatonin is banned. So he wasnt able to use it.

The Capitol's Fire Balls attacked Katniss in the first book, but they added some fire and flavor to G's lips while he was away.

 I thought it would be best if instead of true night lock berries, G was able to enjoy Trader Joes' powerberries. 

The "lump, grainy" District 12 bread. 

While this may look the part, they are actually oatmeal cookies- G's fav!

I added silver parachutes to the items that were actually gifts and supplies to the tributes in the games.

.
The romantic setting in the MockingJay at the end when life is adjusting to its new normal.
The man Katniss ends up marrying plays a game that had gone on the entire book.
Real or not real?
So he leans over to her and says "You love me, real or not real?"and Katniss kisses him, responding "real".

That's all! Hope it inspires you to show your man some love, make him smile, express that you respect him, and that you care about him while he's away caring about you!

Behind the Scenes

First, I'll just mention a quick overview to this last deployment. What I struggled with- I lost our baby the same month as the deployment, I miscarried a week before he left, G left, my friend's husband was killed on a TDY, the 4th person in my immediate network to lose their husband before they even hit 25 years old. Then I was suddenly alone, trying on antidepression meds that really screw with your mind. I was solely in charge of 24/7 care for my two sons with NO ONE to share the load, no family, my friends are just as busy and overwhelmed as me. One son has neutropenia (constant worry about any sign of sickness) and one son has celiac disease and is 20 pounds underweight (constant observing his diet, his weight, his bathroom routines ect). It's alot. It was hard to breathe. It was hard to get off the couch some days to be honest. I never (even now) stopped being devastated by losing Ailin. This spring my husband squadron had it's first KIA. We all believed the guys were safer in the air so it rocked our worlds, shattered ALL of our false sense of security when this plane fell out of the sky and crashed. Then... it killed 4 men. Four real people with families. One of those families, a girl my age with her daughter... seeing her life and the pain she is being thrown into...
Again. My highschool best friend's husband was KIA in 2010 one month before their beautiful daughter was born. So these were the bags I was juggling on my own. 4 young girls now widows- what if God is trying to prepare me for something? I tried over and over to just surrender my emotions to Christ- just take this please. because I don't know what to do. I finally broke down. One Sunday towards the end of this deployment, I was like half an hour late because I couldnt find C's shoes, I was hot and emotional... Weaning off these strong antidepression meds that also cause you to be a little extra insane. A friend asked me how I was, I opened up about needing some help with the house and the kids. I was crying. I just hated admitting that things werent going as smoothly as I wanted them to. She and another friend helped and pointed me in the direction of a few people she thought may also be able to help. One of those people called me and fueled all the insecurities I was already struggling with.
It hurt.
Now I see another military wife in our squadron dealing with the same stuff. She is more open about her struggles so I've worried for her. If you are too honest people start judging. People who could never imagine what our daily lives during a deployment are like. Especially a deployment following a crash. As I thought more about how she is being too honest, I caught myself. What is too honest?

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." James 5:16

We studied James through our bible study. I share alot. I'm a very open person. I am also cautious of being too honest and too open. I remember when I read this I rolled my eyes - we can't confess to each other because we are wayyyyy too caught up on comparing each other and judging our friends. LADIES. If we can't confess our struggles, pray for each other, than we miss out on being healed. 
This military wife isn't being too honest. She is being transparent and that allows us to know she needs a friend, company, a break, a little hug. I needed those things too. G is leaving again in a few months. I will probably thicken up my shell again.  Try to not share the full truth of the exhaustion, busyness, and pain of deployments- and so I'm telling you now. I will need a friend, company, a hug, a break. I'll need prayer. We often think military wives are fine because you ask how they are and they said "fine" or "okay". I never said good, that was too big of a lie. I always just said "okay". We are okay. We're not totally falling apart. We have kids to take care of or responsibilities to keep up with. But most of us aren't really as strong as we feel we are supposed to look. Well scratch that. We are STRONG. Seriously. STRONG. You may not believe how strong you can become from carrying so much. But being strong doesn't dismiss how we feel, especially around 8/9pm when the kids are in bed, the house is quiet, and you are again reminded how lonely and sad you really are. Or 7/8pm when you end up crying over fighting over bedtime and you are soooo burnt out. Or you are praying with your kids before bed and they say really emotional/heavy things about their father.

I have people in my life, they call themselves "realists". They would and have said "why would you even go there". When something alarming or out of the ordinary happens, I start preparing myself for the possible truth behind the delay or change. One time, G didn't call for Ryan's birthday. He hadnt checked his email for 16 hours. TOTALLY not like him. I know his pattern, I know when he gets online and when he sleeps for the most part. I literally CRIED as I cleaned up the entryway, in case the commander and his wife came by that morning on my son's 5th birthday or the next morning if it took longer to send out the info.
"Why would you even go there"- because if I don't then I'm leaving myself open to shock, losing my mind, I might stop breathing and never wake up...
 So when bad things could be happening I start reasoning them in my head. Preparing for the news, preparing for their words, and trying to prepare myself so I can maybe hold it together for the kids? for myself.  I go there because it's a real possibility. No one is safe in Afghanistan. There are rocket attacks like every other week in the base. People die and could die. It could happen any time any day, you could be sleeping and it hits your hut- happened before to someone on G's base. You could be walking to another building, almost happened to my friend's husband who thankfully ran behind something 10 feet away before it hit. Planes crash, people get shot, it's NOT A SAFE PLACE.  It's not irrational to be 24/7 concerned that your husband might not come home. It's a possibility.
Oh and I really don't like the dismissal of PTSD in the airman, or the fear in the spouses because "it's not like he's on the front lines of anything" Wow...really? How old are you? We don't fight in lines against lines anymore. Sorry. IEDs and RPGs don't follow the "front lines" comment. A plane error- where a plane falls out of the sky and explodes also doesn't fit into the "front lines" comment. Let's strap you onto a rotator and you drop you off in the hell that is Afghanistan and see how you do? I for one and pretty confident I'd have a full blown panic attack. I'm not saying the men like my dad who did raids on villages and caves, or my Army/Marine friends' husbands aren't in more danger than guys in the air. Clearly they are. But in the same way that "more fertile" and "less fertile" still mean fertile and you can still get pregnant, "more danger" and "less danger" is still danger.

I do fully believe that if G stayed home it would not add a day to his life. His days are numbered- the bible says so. But I would rather those last days be with me and our kids, not across the country for months at a time. God is in control and my worry isnt going to affect the outcome. God is glorious so I don't have to worry about other people's judgements. James says to confess, pray, be healed. I just have to choose that because ultimately God's opinion is the weightiest and truest opinion of me. God is gracious- death for a believer isn't the end of the world, because of grace and Christ we can know that these people are safer, healthier, complete with our Creator. I do believe these things. And still I'm not perfect, not even close. Worry and stress are real emotions and I would call you a liar if you tried to call me out for them without looking at yourself as well. Don't pretend that a cancer scare or sending your own husband into a dangerous place wouldn't also cause worry and fear in you.
Thankfully, staying close to Christ via God's word and prayer can provide peace and rest that we couldn't find anywhere else. So I'm not saying this is all just a miserable, horrible life. It's not. God is growing me in many ways. However, I just feel like the fear, emotions, the strength, the weight, everything needs validation. We need to be there for each other. Atleast via prayer and maybe write that prayer out in an email and send it to her.
--
This post may be messy, scattered. My brain was going soo much faster than my fingers. I just needed to write through this for myself. and then if God wants to use it to reach anyone else. That's totally up to him.
He can see through the mess, I'm certain.--

Abiding

A few weeks back I shared my post Crashing... everything around us was crashing! Not just the literal things. It was a hectic time. Honestly, when I think back on the last year, it's all been challenging with some really great times peppered in. I've learned to embrace the challenges. Really, I have. I might still be surprised by them, I may still complain a little about things being difficult. But I have really learned the lesson- the challenges we go through are so temporary and we almost always end up stronger once they are over. Disagreements in friendships, fights in marriage, challenges with the kids, celiac disease, postpartum depression, things breaking, people passing away, losing a baby.... None of that is what I would chose for my life. None of that  is something I ever want to endure again, although I know I will.  Each step has produced strength and wisdom, maybe not a huge increase ! but an increase that matters to me.
A few weeks back I felt like I couldn't understand what God was trying to teach me, or why  I was having these frustrating incidents while already going through other stuff at the same time.Today I feel like I can't understand why God is choosing us, to give us unexpected gifts. Why are these good things, these blessings happening to us right now. Doesn't someone else deserve them more?  Our church is going through a 14 month Expect Great Things campaign. I remember that the pastor was saying something about how we really shouldn't be surprised when God shows up or when God provides for us. We should expect it. I think I can live so inward focused that I forget to expect God to be there.

I am staying out of the Facebook November thankfuls. I understand why people do it. Why not be publicly thankful for the gifts and blessing in our lives? I just feel like mine would be more solemn, or emotional than FB can handle :) Most of my thankfuls are just soo personal and intense for me. I'm kind of an intensely emotional person hehe.
A few days ago I was thinking how thankful I am for my church. Creekside Church. I was thinking I havent really plugged in like I would want.  I haven't built the relationships I would like to have. But God uses Ryan and Ed (the two pastors) as important tools on Sunday mornings. I haven't had my heart shaped as much in any other church. It has nothing really to do with these two men- I really don't know them. Almost every Sunday I feel like I'm sitting in my favorite college class, learning and internalizing. Relistening online to understand it better.  I might even be learning something that  isn't quite the point. God is just really reaching me at this point in my life. I'm learning more and more about who He is- not focusing so much on what I should/should not do. I have met some wise women who really point me in that direction-Who God is and what that means- usually not directly but through their examples or through hearing them speak.
But my point right now is that I am thankful for this church. I thought I was thankful for it despite the lack of relationships I have. I was wrong. There are many kind, wonderful families at our church. I see these people on Sundays and Tuesdays. They really have an impact and I wish I knew them more. But I really believe that I need to take care of my own house, my own kids, my own marriage MORE than I need extra time with friends. That can be what Facebook is for! God gave me these two boys to raise, influence, train. That has to come first. I hope I will eventually stop wrestling with that!

Anyways, I'm starting to fall into tangents. This was supposed to be a quick post now that the kiddos are in bed and I need to move on to cleaning up the kitchen AGAIN. I have so many things bouncing around my head! So many entries I want to write out so I can get the thoughts OUT of my head. However, sick kids and a husband due to come home soon has me a bit too busy for the writing I want to do!

saying sorry

I have been lovingly corrected pretty much my whole life, but especially in the last handful of year for saying "Sorry" when people feel that I shouldn't say sorry or shouldn't feel sorry. I know this correction is out of love and out of a desire for me to be more sure of myself.
When  I was growing up, I never felt very "liked" (not because they didn't like me, they say they do. I just didn't feel that way.) I'm extremely different from my Louisiana, redneck family. I've always been more sensitive, more girlie, more picky, less country than they would prefer. I just knew not to expect anyone to go out of the way for me. I mean sometimes they felt that they were going out of their way for me, but well I saw it differently. I was also raised to never invite yourself over to someone else's home. Never to ask for certain things. I'm not trying to be disrespectful to my family. Just explaining that the environment you grow up as a small child affects the way your brain and personality develop.
I'm a natural people pleaser. Whether I particularly like you or not, if you need help I'll probably be there in some way or another. If you need something that  I can't give I will help you seek it. For strangers, for acquaintances that haven't given me a second thought- I'll make the calls, I'll sit here for an hour writing to you encouraging words. NOT because I'm so perfect and giving. But because I have an idol in my life. I need approval, I need attention, I need love and acceptance. Even though Christ died and proved his love for me, even though he accepted my punishment and set me free from the debt I owed (my life and eternal death) because of my sin. Even though he loves and accepts me perfectly. I am still struggling with this.
I admit I have this idol, and I'm certainly longing to grow stronger and more diligent in "submissively" being "ready" for God to tear apart my idols and set himself in the proper seat in my heart.
--I needed that tangent on idols to clarify that I don't condone my own behavior.--
Anyways, when I say sorry. I sincerely mean it. In a way maybe some of you can't see.
If I asked you to help me find help- I'm taking your time. I know that none of us moms have that much time on our hands. So I am so grateful and I am really sorry that I'm thinking that my need for help is worth taking your time. I understand if it's not because of whatever is going on in your life.
If I say sorry because I want to change our plans, or do something a little different bc of the timeline, the kids, or whatever. I am sorry. I assume that like me, you had an idea or plan of how things would go. Now I'm asking you to change your plan.
If the situation isn't playing out like I hoped and the kids are being wild. I feel anxious and flustered. Things could go one of two ways. One- you are trying to help me control my kids or whatever. Two- you are trying to talk to me, and I want to give you my full attention and I just can't. Both of those are just not always fun, and so again I feel sorry.
If something in your house breaks, your car, something goes wrong, you get hurt, the kids are sick- when life is less than enjoyable... Gosh, I'm  SO sorry. I wish things were going better for you.

I think it's part of my extreme empathetic personality.

I'm so imperfect and so cluttered. My mind is cluttered lately. I can't remember half of what I've told people I'd do. I've been too dehydrated from working out to use my new love for wine to clear away some clutter and give me that "sound mind" that I believe I get from a glass of wine ! haha
I just wanted to say it on here as clear as I could. If I ever say "I'm sorry" instead of saying "stop saying sorry" (because then I feel embarrassed. haha.) maybe ask why I am saying sorry. Maybe I can explain the chain of thoughts that lead me to truly feeling sorry about whatever the situation is.

P.S. I say "thank you" just as much as I say "I'm sorry", I mean it just as much.

Love, B

______________________
Update: A really wise, loving friend I made at church saw this and gave me some great questions to ponder about what I believe about God, myself, and my friends...
:)

Thinking Outloud

I have this image of myself. Connor holding onto my leg, Ryan holding my hand, my arms weighed heavily with bags similar to grocery bags. Trying to balance. As a bag starts to slip I might let go of Ryan, I begin to stumble and push Connor away. As something starts to fall I cry out to God- I've got it I got it! Can you just grab that one for me?

Whether you have children or not, you may still struggle like me with assuming you have mostly got things under control. You might find it shocking when things are spinning out of control.
I am humbly arrogant. I have the idol of dependency-Thanks Mark Driscroll for the Who Do You Think You Are book- I make what others think of me and feel for me the most important area of my life.  I seek affirmation in the wrong places. But how do I direct or extinguish the desires I feel in my heart? I love my God. I don't want to live this way.I want a new desire, a revived passion for Christ and desire to please him... But how? I say "Help me".

Help me: for me implies that I've got it but I need a little help.(remember my self image up there?) "Help me" implies that I'm strong enough for most things, but I need a push or some assistance.
My friend looked up the word humble for a bible study. She got "Submissive readiness".
Am I submissively (in the Word and in prayer) ready for (to hear from You, to obey, to live life and wait on) Your timing instead handling it on my timeline?  I rush things, I jump into things. I'm not slow to speak. If i was connected to the word, perhaps I could wait, I could persevere through the trial, just live life, obey God, one day at a time. Wait.If anything feels like a trial or a struggle I DIVE in. How can I fix this? We MUST discuss and research and figure this out immediately.(says my natural self).

Submissive readiness...
Asking of God for wisdom, strength, ect.
Not assuming God is there for assistance. 

Instead of relying completely (submissively) on his wisdom and strength, ready to receive (readiness).

I saw something else, I cant remember the source at the moment. Instead of saying "I dont have time for.."
Say ".... is not a priority.". VERY CONVICTING. Say it now:
I don't have time to read God's word or spend time with him right now. OR
Being in God's word, spending time with him just isn't a priority to me right now.Talking about revealing idols in our lives!

I wish all it took was identifying the idols and then stop worshipping them. But I'm remembering that it's not my strength that tears down idols, it's the Lord's strength. So I must chose to spend time with him, allow him to work in my heart, allow him access to tear down these idols.

I know many Christian wives who realized that they made their husbands and marriages idols in their lives.
I am one of them. I know that the women that I have discussed this issue of idols with, all had issues come up in our marriages. Our imperfect human husbands let us down. They sin and struggled with issues that caused us to feel betrayed or jealous or insecure.
I learned when God began damaging my idol in my marriage that He felt just like me. When my husband's sin hurt me. I felt betrayed, angry, jealous. When I worship anything but God- my sin-then He feels betrayed, angry, jealous for me. This has helped my perspective.  What priority is more important than spending time with one who created life, who saves your soul, who forgives and had died for you literally! 

I do not have the patience to homeschool

I wanted to chat a little about homeschooling.
I am not a perfect mother. I am not an older, wiser mother. I am not extremely organized and tidy. I do not have the "patience of a saint". I've recently thought about how much "easier" my days would be if I would just throw Ryan in public school. My husband is away, I am tired, the house needs more attention than I have left right now, I really want to workout more hours during the day bc I want to lose weight faster.
Ryan's bold, ADHD type personality sometimes leads me to feeling like a failure! and think if I threw him into public school for just like one year they could tame him down for me.
These are my self-centered thoughts throughout my first couple of months of homeschooling.
Maybe I'm not really equipped for this. I'm not as good of a mother as this homeschool mom. I'm not as patient and mild tempered as this homeschooling friend. I'm not as smart as this other homeschool friend. I could go on and on.
When people find out that I homeschool, the most common response I encounter is "Oh wow, I wish I could homeschool but I don't have the patience for it".  Just like me, maybe God wants you learn something through this? Maybe God wants you to LEARN patience? Maybe God wants us to learn to be more selfless? Give up some of the extra things we want, and take control over the children he has placed in our lives?
Homeschooling is SOO counter culture. It doesn't really make sense according to our American labels for a normal, imperfect family to choose homeschooling. So I challenge that if the idea has come to you, if you've said or thought "I wish I could home school but..." Spend more time thinking it through and praying. I feel like God is the one placing that desire in you. Not everyone wants to or can homeschool. I'm not implying that everyone should. I don't think in general terms like that. I do believe MORE families should.

I feel convicted. I do believe homeschooling is a desire that God lead me to. It wasn't a natural decision. I wasn't home schooled or around any home schooled kids growing up. I'm being obedient and I'm growing.
Through our homeschooling journey I am recognizing minor flaws in the way I parent and discipline my children. Minor because they are 5 and 2; MAJOR if I had waited til they were 14 and 11! or WORSE if I had waited until they were 14 and 17 and probably a good head taller than their short little mom.
I am seeking God more for leadership in my day
I am making every (or close to every) day intentional in the discipline/positive reinforcement areas.
Im learning new habits.
I believe God intends to grow my patience, grow my organizational skills, and make me a stronger mother to leads these rambunctious boys before they hit those "rebellious" teenage years. I can teach them to obey my word NOW, rather than wish they knew how to obey me when the stakes are higher. Mark Discroll posted a quote, I think it came from Billy Graham? or someone. "If children don't respect their parents, they were never truly respect anyone" I thought of that, in my mental debate. Ryan hasn't learned to respect me. Maybe if I throw him in school where they are trying break his will, and control him (NOT the same as SELF control) then I'll get him back after a year and he'll be more respectful? No... that's not really how it works.
Putting Ryan is school this year would greatly be hypocritical on my part. I just really feel that it is not the best place for my sons.  Some of you have found good schools that you are involved in, and feel good about it .I've heard FAR more stories of parents being angry about what is being taught in school- like they have no control over what their kid is learning?
I ONLY ever went to public school, I never succeeded. I had excellent test scores. I never did homework, I was always in trouble or falling short in some area. One of the things I'm looking forward to with my boys is LEARNING in my own learning style! I just think our kids are too unique to be grouped into common core standards. My son learns when he is moving around. He says "umm Umm umm" over and over when he is excitedly trying to get through a sentence bc his brain is going way faster than the words can come out. He talks things out and asks many questions to fully understand something. My younger son still has some growing to do, however it seems that his learning style will be more laid back. Maybe he will prefer to read things himself and think things through before discussing them.I'm looking forward to how God intends to mature and grow me through my homeschooling journey. I might struggle with insecurity, but I know I'm being obedient. I know that this is where I'm called to be.
I don't hate teachers, I know there are some great ones out there who care for kids. But I do not approve of the way the government is involved with education. I know that many teachers are held back, and can't work the way they feel is right because  of the standards placed on them.

http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/23/we-are-going-to-home-school-our-kids-but-thats-only-because-we-hate-education/

I think this guy is extremely intelligent and full of common sense. I think my husband and I should track down he and his wife, and make them our friends. HA


*Check out Bringing Up Boys && research "the deliberate dumbing down of America"

not sunshine

It's been exactly 3 months since I had my D and C for my "missed miscarriage" with Ailin.
I thought I'd be more healed by now. I really felt like God held my hand through everything. My husband and I strongly communicated through everything. I thought I was stronger.
I guess I'm not. Yet.
There are a handful of girls I consider my closest friends- we were all pregnant together. I never stopped being happy for them. But once they hit the marks (around August) of Facebooking about baby kicks, gender reveals, furniture purchases... I just felt incredibly empty.  But I thought I had sucked it up, and moved on. Planning names for my next baby! It's not like I can just stop being there to love my friends and their babies.
Then everyone else seemed to be getting pregnant, and I became extremely confused and jealous. It just doesnt make sense. Losing a baby in your womb, or a child of any age just can not possibly be fair. I know, I know "life isn't fair". Well death isn't either. I can't stop missing our baby. I've even struggled with tears and vented to my husband about friends who are infertile and are getting to adopt sweet new babies.
I watched Pastor Mark Discroll in a clip tonight, preaching about murder. In his sermon about abortion, he choked up, released some tears for the baby his wife miscarried. I felt validated. He's still crying years later. Maybe I don't need to feel weak or guilty crying a few months later.
I have NO idea how so many women (1 out of 4, right?) push through this? I hear things about how "it wasnt meant to be". "your body just flushes the baby out". "not the right time".
There is never a perfect time to have a baby in any situation. Think of your perfect scenario- I guarantee it won't go that way! How can this NOT be meant to be? God created a life in my womb! You wouldn't tell someone who lost their 2 year old, or their dad, or their husband that the relationship wasn't meant to be.
Just sayin'

Obviously, I have alot more healing to do.
My body didn't "flush" out my baby. My body went into labor for some insane reason, more pain than I ever had with my sons although they were both removed surgically . I just still can't accept it. I still keep having day-dreams that some how this baby is going to end up in my arms, and I know exactly what he or she would have looked like in those dreams. I don't pretend to know much about Heaven. The bible made it pretty clear that we can't assume too much about what it will be like or what our relationship statuses will be with all the other followers of Christ. I probably won't know or recognize my child. He or She probably won't be an infant anymore. And honestly, in the presence of God I probably won't care. But tonight, I do.

I was having a fun evening, I was posting some very unique photos of my sons pretending to be ninjas. But then... on my Facebook home screen, another pregnancy announcement. I'm TRYING to love everyone and be happy for everyone! I have two great sons, I am blessed. But every new baby being formed, is a reminder that mine didn't make it.  My empty guest room, with a bed covered in laundry that needs to be folded, instead of a crib and changing table is a reminder that mine didn't make it.My husband is coming home before the end of the year, and that's another reminder... We would be almost ready to welcome our new child. When he steps off that plane, the day dream of him hugging me, and touching my very swollen 8 month pregnant belly will be replaced with the usual scene of me standing back while our boys run to their father.
I am HAPPY for my friends, I don't want it to seem like people cant post things about their babies and their lives and their milestones. WOnderful things that are fun and exciting to celebrate.
I just also can not ignore that I was supposed to be celebrating them too.
I feel like another pregnancy would help me move forward. I couldnt replace Ailin, but I can go on with life. But I am wrestling the fear of another miscarriage. Wrestling the fears of what if I'm just not going to be able to have anymore children? I'm arrogant to think I'm healing, when really I am bottling things up. I ignore and ignore it. But every pregnancy announcement brings out the tears again.

I am pleased with part of my growth. My beautiful sister in law had her first son today! I wasn't sad, or thinking of Ailin. I was just SOO relieved for her! and so loving the news and photos of my new nephew Cale!

I'm okay, and not okay at the same time. I know what that means now.
I appreciate any prayers as I continue enduring this trial in my life :)

Crashing

Last Sunday, my 5 year old threw a spoon BAM, it hit my husband's very expensive SMART 3D TV that he bought with his Reenlistment Bonus.... Not fixable, and we have no money saved for a new TV. We are trying to save money to be able to get out of the Air Force.
I thought "what kind of mother am I that my kid would do something like this??"  I was sobbing.
My lifegroup leader and mother in law helped me out.  They reminded me our kid's bad choices are not our bad choices. Ryan is his own person. He chose to throw the spoon, I disciplined him for it.  My life group leader gave me a great discipline chart. Throwing is consistency unacceptable in our home, as of Sunday. This chart has helped me AMAZINGLY with consistency over the last week in all areas. When your husband is deployed, and you are juggling many things at once, it's easy to get lazy and "choose your battles".
On Friday, I was leaving with my friend and kids to go to Target. My 2 year old started screaming because there was a bug in the car, he has bad reactions to mosquitoes so he is very scared of them. He was screaming! and everything felt chaotic for a second. As I was reversing out of my driveway, I was trying to roll the window down and let the mosquito out; BAM I backed into my friend's car. Her car was fine, my brand new car has a lovely dent on the trunk and 2 scratches in it. I felt soooo bad that my husband is away and I have now not respected him by not taking care of his two things. Now we have a deductible to pay. He responded with grace;he's mad, but he's understanding.
Today, my 5 year old came into my room first thing in the morning. "We want to throw our hammers like Thor. But the chart says 'no throwing'. Can we go outside and throw?" Wow. great problem solving skills.
I was impressed. I told him to get dressed, he did. I got Connor some pants on. We have a very small fenced in yard. I didn't think ahead or foresee any issues- other than them hitting each other with the hammers. (plastic toy hammers). They already know better.  They went outside to fight the crime of their toy tractors.  It was really cute, watching them from the screen door. Next thing I know CREEEEEEshhhhhhhhh The toy hammer hit the dining room window and shattered it. $$$
I had a mental breakdown. This was NOT their fault in all honesty. I never thought the hammer would hit the window, and I don't think that I would have thought a toy hammer could break the window- I mean BIRDS hit the window and don't break it.
 THREE CRASHES in ONE week...
I feel soo overwhelmed. I joked last night that the two things Garrett has splurged on (the TV and car) have been damaged so "what is God trying to teach Garrett?"
Now I'm thinking "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO LEARN HERE"
I thought I was already learning other things! I'm dealing with my miscarriage and depression from that. I'm working on not yelling at my kids, and being more of an example to them.  I'm working on my insecurity issues.  I'm working on my generosity and viewing things as God's. I'm working on leaning more on God, less on my husband. Oh and I'm adjusting our whole family to a new gluten free diet, and monitoring every calorie Ryan consumes...
My workload is heavy enough right now!
I havent even told my husband about the window yet, I wont talk to him for a couple of more hours.
I feel insecure- I feel people saying "She obviously can't handle this anymore. The deployments. The Kids. Maybe she shouldnt be homeschooling. Maybe she shouldnt have more kids, if she cant even control her own. She needs to get those brats under control ect ect"
I dont agree with any of those things bouncing in my head.  They simply aren't true. My son made a huge mistake when he broke the TV. He knows he did. He had his consequences. It really sucks. But there is nothing else to do. The car, yeah I should have just stopped driving while I dealt with the window. I was distracted. I'm certainly not the first person to be distracted and make a driving mistake. I havent had ANY sort of driving incident even a speeding ticket since before I was married. And my boys were sweet about wanting to play like Thor. Ryan was exercising self control and problem solving skills by asking to go outside- he was exercising MATURITY! which has been a goal of mine for him for over a month. Intentionally working on maturity with my kids. It was a random accident.
But it all really really sucks. I'm sooooo burnt out this weekend. Instead of advice, hindsight, and judgement... I could really use some prayers for grace, patience, and strength.

-I just emailed my Bible Study group leader on Monday evening that the Murphy's Law of deployments is a REAL THING!

Love and Respect

Last year my husband and  I got into a ridiculous fight right in the middle of a deployment, right before our 5th anniversary. I cant remember a thing about that fight other than I said something along the lines of  "You don't know anything about me! You don't love me! I'm not answering the phone for you the rest of this deployment so you can see what it's like to miss me" Yeah. I know. I was crazy.
Feeling unloved makes girls act crazy! In fact there is a WONDERFUL book called Love and Respect. My dear husband bought it THAT night and put it on both of our Kindles so we could read it together. We agreed to read a certain number of chapters by the end of each week or few days, and we would talk about it via email or chatting on Gmail.
Immediately Garrett laughed, these fights in the book sounded JUST LIKE US! This man is a genius.We both have recommended this book to nearly every couple we have a relationship with, including some sets of our parents! It was life changing for us.The author defines "the crazy cycle" (see Im not the only crazy gal). Without love the wife responds without respect, without respect the husband responds without love, without love the wife responds without respect, ect ect. That's all I'm sharing from the book! Go read it! Your marriage will transform, even if you have a good marriage. I absorb marriage books, why wait til there is a problem to fix it?
When G and I were newly married, it wasn't really that whole "being married is like having a sleepover with your best friend every night". We were crazy in love with each other; we made a great team; his strengths were my weaknesses and vice versa. However, we were not best friends. G maintained that he was very happy, and we had a really good marriage. I wanted more! I read many Christian marriage books, or atleast parts of them seeking out ways to have that friendship with my husband. I read Mark Discroll's Real Marriage book  that even has friendship in the sub-title! It is also a very great book, it helped us grow and mature a little more in our spiritual loves, our oneness, and as a family but not in the sense of friendship.
In the year since we read Love and Respect, we have been closer as friends than ever before. I finally feel that G is my best friend. We strive to love/respect each other and I know we are both happy and more mature in our marriage than we have ever been!  We fight, bicker, nag sometimes. But we both know how to respond or act- with love and with respect. It simmers a fight quicker than any other response!

I highly recommend this book to YOU. What's better for your marriage, kids, family than you and your spouse being BEST FRIENDs who love and respect each other?

Titus 2:6-8 ESV

Two popular Klove songs, songs I like quite a bit are "The Proof of Your Love" by For King and Country and "Let Them See You" by Colton Dixon.  The lines have really stuck out to me.

"Let me life be the proof, the proof of your love. Let my love look like you and what you're made of. How you lived; how you died, love is sacrifice"

"Let them see you in me. Let them hear you when I speak."

I took  it like I need to be more loving with strangers, I need to put myself out there more and show more compassion with people in my life. But I realize now that God is telling me something else right now. Not that those things are wrong.
My sons are the ones I need to be an example to MORE than anyone else in my life. Barking at my kids to get ready more quickly for events where I think I should be is incongruent with "let them hear you when I speak".  Losing my temper and raising my voice when they do something/get into something while I wasnt paying attention is not "let my life be the proof of your love".  Ignoring them so I can email or help other people because helping people makes me feel good and those people need to see/hear God's love is incongruent with "let my love look like you, love is sacrifice".
In the parable where the Master gave his Servants talents and the last servant had not increased the money, only hid it away. He said "How I can trust you with any, if I couldn't trust you with a little bit" (paraphrasing).
Our assoc pastor preached on this and everyone was probably in line thinking about money and investing- like the parable is about. But I heard something else. How can God trust me to spread the gospel and impact lives if he can't trust me with the lives he literally HANDED me to live by example to?

I write Facebook posts, emails, talk on the phone, or have people over. I desire to "be there" for my friends. I think it's important for me to be an example of compassion, love, forgiveness to other people. But am I an example of compassion, love, forgiveness to my own children? Why pray that God will show me how he wants to use me when he already made me the mom of these two boys!
I've been wrestling with a theory that I need to cut out obligations and stay home more. I dont like how busy and chaotic we are sometimes. But I really enjoy being out of the house, with people. And other women tell you that you need to be out DOING things! So your kids will be social and so you can reach/encourage others through fellowship. I really think that that "small voice" needed to be validated. my house and kids need me at home more right now.  Their father is across the country, basically like he abandoned them in their little minds. They can't understand the sacrifices and importance of what their Dad is doing overseas. I can complain that I'm ALONE right now, I'm doing my best! But if I am honest... I'm not.
Im with them ALL day long, but I need to spend more time on them and with them. Alot of the chaos would disappear if the boys and I could work together daily to keep things up in the house, instead of deep cleaning it once a week when someone is coming over or I just cant take walking over toys and mail any longer. Alot of their attention getting behavior would be cut out if I spent as much time playing with them as I do instructing them.
I love my boys! and It's time I showed them God's love too, not just talk to them about it. I'm their example!
Now I'm telling myself:

"Let me life be the proof, the proof of your love to my sons. Let my love look like you and what you're made of by being an encouragement to my boys. How you lived; how you died, love is sacrifice and I need to sacrifice computer time, and social time to keep things less chaotic and exercise a sound mind"

"Let them see you in me, through my example and my temper, and my hardwork. Let them hear you when I speak to them, get angry with them, pray with them."


 Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled.  Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us.Titus 2:6-8 ESV

Introducing myself

My name is Britney. Im 24 years old. I have two boys at home Ryan (5) and Connor (3 years old in 2 month) and I have Baby Ailin who died in July in my womb. I dont normally introduce myself that way in public, but this blog is me... EXHALING...
Im very thoughtful, I have millions of things bouncing around my head. I need an outlet, like a diary to get all these things out, sorted, and then I can spend time developing them or choosing what to focus on.  At first I thought of journaling. But There are soo many young moms, imperfect and loving, trying to seek God's purpose in their lives. No one may ever read this blog. That's okay. But I felt that I needed to make it public in case God decides use my breathing, exhaling, and rambling to bless someone else.

I met my husband the very end  of Sept 2006 in Hawaii, he was leaving to join the AF and go to basic training in Texas. I graduated highschool June 2007 while he was doing language training in California, we were engaged June 30th 2007 when he came to visit for a week, I left for college in Dallas TX while he went back to training in California. He came to visit for Christmas and we were married December 2007. We found out in February 2008 that we were expecting a baby Sept 28th, 2008. Ryan was born Oct 4th. We have lived this insane Air Force Life for 7 years now. We added Connor to our world December 28, 2010 during a long deployment. We found out about our pregnancy with Ailin in May 2013, but the baby didnt survive, and my love left for his 5th deployment (if you dont count a 3 month TDY which would make it 6) in August of this year.

My point to all of that, is I was a young, immature girl. More mature than most 17 year olds, but very immature compared to an adult woman. I made decisions that lead to me needing to grow up very quickly. And I didn't do it perfectly. I called myself a Christian but I was not actively choosing to seek God with my life, and I did not have a relationship with Christ. That came when I was 19, enduring my first real deployment with a 3-4 month old baby!

As my children are growing, and as God is working more and more in my life I struggle with this constant battle between- Im so excited to see God actually ACTIVE in ym life!! and oh my gosh this is painful! or scary! and I would do anything to get away from it!

Im growing, Im learning discipline, and learning HOW to discipline. I'm maturing, but I'm not mature.
This is my long journey of being imperfect and striving to become the woman I believe God is calling me to be.