Three and a fourth

I'm going to tell you a personal story... it's a blog. It's all personal... :)
When Garrett and I were getting married we agreed to wait 6years to have kids. He wanted 8 and I wanted 1! All my life I wanted 5 or 7 but after my step mom's delivery when I was 17, I was sure once would be enough.
Six weeks after our wedding we had an ultrasound that showed a beating heart.  We were between 4-6weeks pregnant. Ryan was an amazing baby so before he was even a toddler I was sure I needed more of these little things! We also were introduced to NFP which opened my heart and my eyes to view my children as special gifts. I desired to have how ever many kids God wanted to give me. Connor came along. 2boys. Ailin entered and left the picture leaving me desperate to fill an unfillable hole. I was certain I needed a dozen children! I had a tougher than normal pregnancy with Kellen. My body hurt more, I was more tired than a normal pregnant mom, my blood counts were not good. While I was still on the c section table the doctor came to my face tell me my womb was in bad shape. She could see through it. They call it a window-no lining. You can heal bad uterine lining, but you can't grow more. Most likely my D and C after I miscarried Ailin caused the damage since this window wasn't near my c section scars on my uterus.
Having another baby would be too dangerous for me, according to the doctor.
I thought of getting a second opinion. Garrett didn't need one. He remembers what her face looked like when she went outside to tell him. She was scared for me. Plus no other doctor would see my insides like she did.
So...here I am. The night before our world changes. Our plans Are to be erased. Tomorrow something permanent happens. We agreed 5 years ago to never make this decision. We didn't feel it was right for us. We just wanted to stay open for babies. To have a big family. We never anticipated a turn like this. I'm ok with it. In theory.  I don't enjoy being pregnant. I don't know if my heart could handle losing another baby. I'm trying to soak up every ounce with baby Kellen so I can enjoy it. I'd be terrified to get pregnant again. This is the right decision medically.

But...I'm still sitting here...mostly thinking of my heart breaking pregnancy with Ailin. Knowing he was alive and not going to stay that way... nothing has dulled that pain if I allow myself to go there. Even Kellen can't fill that hole I hoped he would. I lied to myself And Garrett, insisting that I knew Kell couldn't replace Ailin. I didn't realize that I secretly wished he would until he was born and didn't ...
I'm not ready to never hold my own newborn again. I don't want to never nurse my new sweet guy and stare at squished baby face. To fall in love again with another little man created just for me by an amazing God. Or give up the day dream of one day having a daughter!

People comment about my having three rambunctious boys. People always ask when I plan on having a girl. People always say something about having more... I've been admitting I'm not having any more. I hate how relieved people act after hearing that. I wanted to keep this private, but after their reactions I always feel the need to clarify it's not bc I don't love and enjoy my three!
I always claim I want to keep things private, I think it's time to accept that is not my personality! I always write these posts after telling about a hundred people my private information...
Ha.

Well if anyone reads this...I anticipate tomorrow will be very emotional for our family. We appreciate any prayers over comfort, God's will, ( or specifically for divine interference haha).

Baby3

I have always felt a little defensive of my feelings and losing Ailin last summer.
I've heard the nasty things some people have said about other women and I knew the calloused hearts and worldview most of our culture has towards the unborn. When Connor was born, another military wife I didn't know very well had announced on FB that she lost her baby, and then my FRIEND said "That's what she gets" for announcing it too soon. I didnt want to type how she actually ended that sentence. I had never experienced that loss yet, so my only response was- I've announced all my babies early. Why wouldnt you?
Today I am friends with that mother who lost that baby, and I havent talked to the other girl in close to 3 years.
I'm currently 27/28 weeks pregnant with Baby4, but I call him BabyBoy3 on Facebook bc I don't want people to judge me. I think about how Ailin would have been born February 4th and we'd have a sweet baby here with us already! Instead of having to be hot and pregnant all summer while my husband is deployed. People make comments about how we still need to have a baby girl. I dont get offended by those comment. I've made them myself. But now, I do not have that feeling. I believe Ailin could have been my girl. Even if he wasn't. This baby was meant to be,  created by the same God who created me, the same God who created my wonderful husband and the same God who blessed us with the family we have to hold today,
But I stuff these feelings and thoughts farther down. I try to not bring it up. I dont even really mention it to my husband. I'm supposed to be over it. I have another baby coming soon, who survived pregnancy so far. I should "count my blessings" and move on.
Except I'm not. 1 year and 2 weeks ago I found out I was carrying my third child, God gave me a third blessing. It's incredibly except that our third baby doesnt get to be home with us. I'm excited to meet my new son, but it definitely does not replace Baby#3.

I hope other women come across this blog, and realize they are not alone. They may be grieving privately bc they tell themselves the people in their world need them to move on, get over it, see what's next.
There is comfort. I know that comfort.

 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.2 Corinthians 1:3-4

This was from our silly, failed photo shoot. :)
June 2013 announcing Ailin 

Positive Reinforcement

Before our move,  we had soo much success with the positive reinforcement system that I came up with for Ryan and Connor.5years old and 3 years old.
They would earn a "ball" (pompom) for any time we caught them sharing, being kind or helpful, obeying the first time. Ten balls earned a cheap prize. Usually cheaper than $1 bc Target has pull back cars 2 for $1, They loved those $1 dinosaurs. 

We somehow got out of the habit and we realized we need to set it up again. Discipline for everything doesn't change hearts, but positive rewards for good behavior does! My husband and I revised it a bit. G was tired of throwing away cheap toys, and the are getting older. More responsibility.  So they have to earn more, and they are getting "better" prizes like action figures or water gun or something.

They earn a ball by 1)finishing their school work with a good attitude 2)Obeying the first time without grumbling or whining 3)Being kind- only when I catch them they can't manipulate or ask for it. 4)Cleaning up and doing "chores" the first time asked.They have to earn ten balls to get one sticker. I pinned the paint strips on the wall above the cups. I cut it so there are only 5 squares to fill. They have to earn five stickers to get one prize.
{Oh and he can never get a ball or sticker taken away, bc you can not undo a good deed that he already did.}

I know this system works! It worked so well for us before. I'm looking forward to the rest of the deployment going a bit more smoothly than  it already was.
I wanted to share in case there is someone out there looking :)

Supplies- Cheap plastic CLEAR cups labeled for each child. Pom Poms. Stickers. Paint Sample cards.
and whatever you want the prize to be!

Fear

The night my husband was packing for this deployment I brought up a question I had been dwelling on.
Why is it so hard to trust God sometimes?
It doesn't make logical sense for someone who has experienced God to choose fear over trust. At first I didnt recognize I was making a choice, but then it was clear. I was aware that I was at a point of choosing, and it felt natural to give in to my emotions and my fears.
I felt this feeling of being frozen. The feeling of- I just don't want to. I really can't explain it other than that.

I think I am consumed with fear. It's stifling me. I am worried about this pregnancy going well. I'm worried about going into labor before G gets home. I'm worried about not having enough friends or anyone that could be there if anything happened with the kids, the baby, myself...if something happened to Garrett. Im worried about being alone. I worried about what these back to back deployments are doing to my sons.  I'm worried about plane crashes and mortar attacks.  I'm worried about Afghanistan, the end of this war, and what our future looks like, and where he'll deploy next and how soon he'll leave again. When can we get out of this mess. What  is next for our family... CONSUMED with fear.

Not trusting God makes me fearful, emotional, bitter, miserable.

Staying connected 'to the vine' (John 15:5)  provides acceptance, fulfillment, comfort, peace.

Being cut off ends up in chaos, failure, exhaustion, desperation.
I know from real experiences that in the worst times trusting God provides peace beyond logic or understanding.

It doesn't make sense that we forget or that we fail to pursue him, that we turn away, that we choose fear over a father (protector and provider)
------------------------------------------

My 5 year old was asking tons of questions about death while I was struggling through this. (I wrote that top part 2 weeks ago) Eventually in our conversation he said he didnt want to let God decide, that he wanted to decide when he or anyone else dies. I told him that he has to trust God. He said "I dont know how to trust God"(meaning he didnt know what it meant) I started telling him stories of how God has worked in our family and why I know for a fact that God is trustworthy. Through all the scares and struggles, through little things and more serious things - He has always come through, even during the really painful times of loss God's promises and words have always been true.

So why do we struggle to trust? I'm still confused by our human nature. I know I'm not alone in this. There are many lines in songs and people in the Bible who were afraid, who needed reminding of God's power and promises and faithfulness. Validating that struggle between trust and fear. But I'm so thankful that God doesnt treat me like I treat him. I know when I'm wrong. So I run and hide, ashamed to face him or come to him with anything because I know I've failed in this way. He doesn't just sit and wait. He doesn't just cross his arms and say FINE WHATEVER. He doesn't move onto someone else who does a better job than me.
I love that I know/that I feel -  he is pursuing me, he reaches me through many ways. Music, Conversations, talking to my kids. He tries however he can to remind me that He already knew I would struggle, he already sent me a savior. He already knew where I would fail and he chose a long long time ago that I was worth it anyway.
I can not imagine choosing another way of life- apart from his pursuit, his comfort, his promises. 
------------------------------------------

"What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.  Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered." Matt 10:27-30

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..." 1 John 4:18

Quick Update

 Ehh I've been gone a long time.
People who read my blog are probably on my Facebook so it's most likely not being missed :)

Updates:

I'm having a baby the end of August!

nothing else really to update.

The Flu

The H1N1 is taking the lives and damaging the health of many young adults and children this year. It's devastating.  Most of those people received the flu shot this year ... It's so devastating.
There is an interesting 60 minutes episode from the late 70's about the 1976 Swine Flu outbreak that I found interesting *Posted below.
It's always hard to know what to do. Get a vaccine that is supposed to protect yourself and children? but potentially is very harmful? Do not get the vaccine and hear things about how you are not protected and this thing is killing people!?
Im not here to judge your decision. I will say that I  personally know 2 people who have dealt with H1N1 this year and while they were miserable for a while they healed up fine - never having the flu shot. I will also add that quite a few of the people reported as dead from H1N1 did actually get the flu shot. But of course there are 1000s who have had the flu shot this year and are fine, and 1000s that havent had it this year and are also fine.

I agree with this list of ways to protect yourself whether you have had the vaccine or not. I hope you find it helpful.

How to Protect Yourself without Drugs and Vaccinations

Optimize your vitamin D levels
As I've previously reported, optimizing your vitamin D levels is one of the absolute best strategies for avoiding infections of ALL kinds, and vitamin D deficiency is likely the TRUE culprit behind the seasonality of the flu -- not the flu virus itself.
This is probably the single most important and least expensive action you can take.
If you are coming down with flu like symptoms and have not been on vitamin D you can take doses of 50,000 units a day for three days to treat the acute infection. Some researchers like Dr. Cannell, believe the dose could even be as high as 1,000 units per pound of body weight for three days.

Avoid sugar and processed foods
Sugar decreases the function of your immune system almost immediately, and as you likely know, a strong immune system is key to fighting off viruses and other illness. Be aware that sugar is present in foods you may not suspect, like ketchup and fruit juice.

Get enough rest
Just like it becomes harder for you to get your daily tasks done if you're tired, if your body is overly fatigued it will be harder for it to fight the flu.
Have effective tools to address your stress
We all face some stress every day, but if stress becomes overwhelming then your body will be less able to fight off the flu and other illness. If you feel that stress is taking a toll on your health, consider using an energy psychology tool such as Meridian Tapping Techniques, which is remarkably effective in relieving stress associated with all kinds of events, from work to family to trauma.

Exercise
When you exercise, you increase your circulation and your blood flow throughout your body. The components of your immune system are also better circulated, which means your immune system has a better chance of finding an illness before it spreads. You can review my exercise guidelines for some great tips on how to get started.

Take a good source of omega-3 fats like krill oil
Increase your intake of healthy and essential fats like the omega-3 found in krill oil, which is crucial for maintaining health. It is also vitally important to avoid damaged omega-6 oils like trans fats found in most processed foods, as it will seriously damage your immune response.

Wash your hands
Washing your hands will decrease your likelihood of spreading a virus to your nose, mouth or other people. Be sure you don't use antibacterial soap for this -- antibacterial soaps are completely unnecessary, and they cause far more harm than good. Instead, identify a simple chemical-free soap that you can switch your family to.

Eat garlic regularly
Garlic works like a broad-spectrum antibiotic against bacteria, virus, and protozoa in the body. And unlike with antibiotics, no resistance can be built up so it is an absolutely safe product to use. However, if you are allergic or don't enjoy garlic it would be best to avoid as it will likely cause more harm than good.

Avoid hospitals and vaccines
In this particular case, I'd also recommend you stay away from hospitals unless you're having an emergency, as hospitals are prime breeding grounds for infections of all kinds, and could be one of the likeliest places you could be exposed to flu bugs of all kinds.

Swine Flu 1976 & Propaganda - Vidéo Dailymotion

Carepackage

I decided to go ahead and blog about my Hunger Games themed care package I sent to my husband this last deployment. We've read all the books and we really enjoy the story. If you have not read all the books it could possibly be a **spoiler alert** for you. However with how loosely the movies seem to be based on the books, you might be just fine. ;)

I had this vision of the box being covered in the map of Panem. It's not exactly how I wanted just because I forgot I don't have a giant wallpaper sized printer!

First I enjoyed a lovely pumpkin frapp from Starbucks. Then I washed the cup out, used alcohol and cotton balls to scrub the paint off. I filled it up with slips of paper that were love/respect notes, lyrics to our songs, love lines from the movie, encouraging scriptures. Much better chances that the odds were indeed in his favor! Cracker Jacks from Trader Joes

I couldnt very well send goat cheese to Afghanistan. We dont drink cows milk at home, but you cant be choosey in military chow halls. So I sent him Prim's Goat Milk aka Chocolate Almond milk!

 If you've read Catching Fire, you may remember (the people who made the movie didnt) the "last supper" they had on the beach .Catching tons of shellfish and oysters. Eating the bread from District 3. They get a gift from District 4 of "spicy red sauce" probably cocktail sauce to enjoy their seafood. G's powdered eggs and processed meats could probably use a little flavor! (gluten free)

 My husband was having sleeping troubles so I sent him some sleep syrup, unfortunately he is in a flying career field and melatonin is banned. So he wasnt able to use it.

The Capitol's Fire Balls attacked Katniss in the first book, but they added some fire and flavor to G's lips while he was away.

 I thought it would be best if instead of true night lock berries, G was able to enjoy Trader Joes' powerberries. 

The "lump, grainy" District 12 bread. 

While this may look the part, they are actually oatmeal cookies- G's fav!

I added silver parachutes to the items that were actually gifts and supplies to the tributes in the games.

.
The romantic setting in the MockingJay at the end when life is adjusting to its new normal.
The man Katniss ends up marrying plays a game that had gone on the entire book.
Real or not real?
So he leans over to her and says "You love me, real or not real?"and Katniss kisses him, responding "real".

That's all! Hope it inspires you to show your man some love, make him smile, express that you respect him, and that you care about him while he's away caring about you!