Behind the Scenes

First, I'll just mention a quick overview to this last deployment. What I struggled with- I lost our baby the same month as the deployment, I miscarried a week before he left, G left, my friend's husband was killed on a TDY, the 4th person in my immediate network to lose their husband before they even hit 25 years old. Then I was suddenly alone, trying on antidepression meds that really screw with your mind. I was solely in charge of 24/7 care for my two sons with NO ONE to share the load, no family, my friends are just as busy and overwhelmed as me. One son has neutropenia (constant worry about any sign of sickness) and one son has celiac disease and is 20 pounds underweight (constant observing his diet, his weight, his bathroom routines ect). It's alot. It was hard to breathe. It was hard to get off the couch some days to be honest. I never (even now) stopped being devastated by losing Ailin. This spring my husband squadron had it's first KIA. We all believed the guys were safer in the air so it rocked our worlds, shattered ALL of our false sense of security when this plane fell out of the sky and crashed. Then... it killed 4 men. Four real people with families. One of those families, a girl my age with her daughter... seeing her life and the pain she is being thrown into...
Again. My highschool best friend's husband was KIA in 2010 one month before their beautiful daughter was born. So these were the bags I was juggling on my own. 4 young girls now widows- what if God is trying to prepare me for something? I tried over and over to just surrender my emotions to Christ- just take this please. because I don't know what to do. I finally broke down. One Sunday towards the end of this deployment, I was like half an hour late because I couldnt find C's shoes, I was hot and emotional... Weaning off these strong antidepression meds that also cause you to be a little extra insane. A friend asked me how I was, I opened up about needing some help with the house and the kids. I was crying. I just hated admitting that things werent going as smoothly as I wanted them to. She and another friend helped and pointed me in the direction of a few people she thought may also be able to help. One of those people called me and fueled all the insecurities I was already struggling with.
It hurt.
Now I see another military wife in our squadron dealing with the same stuff. She is more open about her struggles so I've worried for her. If you are too honest people start judging. People who could never imagine what our daily lives during a deployment are like. Especially a deployment following a crash. As I thought more about how she is being too honest, I caught myself. What is too honest?

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." James 5:16

We studied James through our bible study. I share alot. I'm a very open person. I am also cautious of being too honest and too open. I remember when I read this I rolled my eyes - we can't confess to each other because we are wayyyyy too caught up on comparing each other and judging our friends. LADIES. If we can't confess our struggles, pray for each other, than we miss out on being healed. 
This military wife isn't being too honest. She is being transparent and that allows us to know she needs a friend, company, a break, a little hug. I needed those things too. G is leaving again in a few months. I will probably thicken up my shell again.  Try to not share the full truth of the exhaustion, busyness, and pain of deployments- and so I'm telling you now. I will need a friend, company, a hug, a break. I'll need prayer. We often think military wives are fine because you ask how they are and they said "fine" or "okay". I never said good, that was too big of a lie. I always just said "okay". We are okay. We're not totally falling apart. We have kids to take care of or responsibilities to keep up with. But most of us aren't really as strong as we feel we are supposed to look. Well scratch that. We are STRONG. Seriously. STRONG. You may not believe how strong you can become from carrying so much. But being strong doesn't dismiss how we feel, especially around 8/9pm when the kids are in bed, the house is quiet, and you are again reminded how lonely and sad you really are. Or 7/8pm when you end up crying over fighting over bedtime and you are soooo burnt out. Or you are praying with your kids before bed and they say really emotional/heavy things about their father.

I have people in my life, they call themselves "realists". They would and have said "why would you even go there". When something alarming or out of the ordinary happens, I start preparing myself for the possible truth behind the delay or change. One time, G didn't call for Ryan's birthday. He hadnt checked his email for 16 hours. TOTALLY not like him. I know his pattern, I know when he gets online and when he sleeps for the most part. I literally CRIED as I cleaned up the entryway, in case the commander and his wife came by that morning on my son's 5th birthday or the next morning if it took longer to send out the info.
"Why would you even go there"- because if I don't then I'm leaving myself open to shock, losing my mind, I might stop breathing and never wake up...
 So when bad things could be happening I start reasoning them in my head. Preparing for the news, preparing for their words, and trying to prepare myself so I can maybe hold it together for the kids? for myself.  I go there because it's a real possibility. No one is safe in Afghanistan. There are rocket attacks like every other week in the base. People die and could die. It could happen any time any day, you could be sleeping and it hits your hut- happened before to someone on G's base. You could be walking to another building, almost happened to my friend's husband who thankfully ran behind something 10 feet away before it hit. Planes crash, people get shot, it's NOT A SAFE PLACE.  It's not irrational to be 24/7 concerned that your husband might not come home. It's a possibility.
Oh and I really don't like the dismissal of PTSD in the airman, or the fear in the spouses because "it's not like he's on the front lines of anything" Wow...really? How old are you? We don't fight in lines against lines anymore. Sorry. IEDs and RPGs don't follow the "front lines" comment. A plane error- where a plane falls out of the sky and explodes also doesn't fit into the "front lines" comment. Let's strap you onto a rotator and you drop you off in the hell that is Afghanistan and see how you do? I for one and pretty confident I'd have a full blown panic attack. I'm not saying the men like my dad who did raids on villages and caves, or my Army/Marine friends' husbands aren't in more danger than guys in the air. Clearly they are. But in the same way that "more fertile" and "less fertile" still mean fertile and you can still get pregnant, "more danger" and "less danger" is still danger.

I do fully believe that if G stayed home it would not add a day to his life. His days are numbered- the bible says so. But I would rather those last days be with me and our kids, not across the country for months at a time. God is in control and my worry isnt going to affect the outcome. God is glorious so I don't have to worry about other people's judgements. James says to confess, pray, be healed. I just have to choose that because ultimately God's opinion is the weightiest and truest opinion of me. God is gracious- death for a believer isn't the end of the world, because of grace and Christ we can know that these people are safer, healthier, complete with our Creator. I do believe these things. And still I'm not perfect, not even close. Worry and stress are real emotions and I would call you a liar if you tried to call me out for them without looking at yourself as well. Don't pretend that a cancer scare or sending your own husband into a dangerous place wouldn't also cause worry and fear in you.
Thankfully, staying close to Christ via God's word and prayer can provide peace and rest that we couldn't find anywhere else. So I'm not saying this is all just a miserable, horrible life. It's not. God is growing me in many ways. However, I just feel like the fear, emotions, the strength, the weight, everything needs validation. We need to be there for each other. Atleast via prayer and maybe write that prayer out in an email and send it to her.
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This post may be messy, scattered. My brain was going soo much faster than my fingers. I just needed to write through this for myself. and then if God wants to use it to reach anyone else. That's totally up to him.
He can see through the mess, I'm certain.--