Introducing myself

My name is Britney. Im 24 years old. I have two boys at home Ryan (5) and Connor (3 years old in 2 month) and I have Baby Ailin who died in July in my womb. I dont normally introduce myself that way in public, but this blog is me... EXHALING...
Im very thoughtful, I have millions of things bouncing around my head. I need an outlet, like a diary to get all these things out, sorted, and then I can spend time developing them or choosing what to focus on.  At first I thought of journaling. But There are soo many young moms, imperfect and loving, trying to seek God's purpose in their lives. No one may ever read this blog. That's okay. But I felt that I needed to make it public in case God decides use my breathing, exhaling, and rambling to bless someone else.

I met my husband the very end  of Sept 2006 in Hawaii, he was leaving to join the AF and go to basic training in Texas. I graduated highschool June 2007 while he was doing language training in California, we were engaged June 30th 2007 when he came to visit for a week, I left for college in Dallas TX while he went back to training in California. He came to visit for Christmas and we were married December 2007. We found out in February 2008 that we were expecting a baby Sept 28th, 2008. Ryan was born Oct 4th. We have lived this insane Air Force Life for 7 years now. We added Connor to our world December 28, 2010 during a long deployment. We found out about our pregnancy with Ailin in May 2013, but the baby didnt survive, and my love left for his 5th deployment (if you dont count a 3 month TDY which would make it 6) in August of this year.

My point to all of that, is I was a young, immature girl. More mature than most 17 year olds, but very immature compared to an adult woman. I made decisions that lead to me needing to grow up very quickly. And I didn't do it perfectly. I called myself a Christian but I was not actively choosing to seek God with my life, and I did not have a relationship with Christ. That came when I was 19, enduring my first real deployment with a 3-4 month old baby!

As my children are growing, and as God is working more and more in my life I struggle with this constant battle between- Im so excited to see God actually ACTIVE in ym life!! and oh my gosh this is painful! or scary! and I would do anything to get away from it!

Im growing, Im learning discipline, and learning HOW to discipline. I'm maturing, but I'm not mature.
This is my long journey of being imperfect and striving to become the woman I believe God is calling me to be.