not sunshine

It's been exactly 3 months since I had my D and C for my "missed miscarriage" with Ailin.
I thought I'd be more healed by now. I really felt like God held my hand through everything. My husband and I strongly communicated through everything. I thought I was stronger.
I guess I'm not. Yet.
There are a handful of girls I consider my closest friends- we were all pregnant together. I never stopped being happy for them. But once they hit the marks (around August) of Facebooking about baby kicks, gender reveals, furniture purchases... I just felt incredibly empty.  But I thought I had sucked it up, and moved on. Planning names for my next baby! It's not like I can just stop being there to love my friends and their babies.
Then everyone else seemed to be getting pregnant, and I became extremely confused and jealous. It just doesnt make sense. Losing a baby in your womb, or a child of any age just can not possibly be fair. I know, I know "life isn't fair". Well death isn't either. I can't stop missing our baby. I've even struggled with tears and vented to my husband about friends who are infertile and are getting to adopt sweet new babies.
I watched Pastor Mark Discroll in a clip tonight, preaching about murder. In his sermon about abortion, he choked up, released some tears for the baby his wife miscarried. I felt validated. He's still crying years later. Maybe I don't need to feel weak or guilty crying a few months later.
I have NO idea how so many women (1 out of 4, right?) push through this? I hear things about how "it wasnt meant to be". "your body just flushes the baby out". "not the right time".
There is never a perfect time to have a baby in any situation. Think of your perfect scenario- I guarantee it won't go that way! How can this NOT be meant to be? God created a life in my womb! You wouldn't tell someone who lost their 2 year old, or their dad, or their husband that the relationship wasn't meant to be.
Just sayin'

Obviously, I have alot more healing to do.
My body didn't "flush" out my baby. My body went into labor for some insane reason, more pain than I ever had with my sons although they were both removed surgically . I just still can't accept it. I still keep having day-dreams that some how this baby is going to end up in my arms, and I know exactly what he or she would have looked like in those dreams. I don't pretend to know much about Heaven. The bible made it pretty clear that we can't assume too much about what it will be like or what our relationship statuses will be with all the other followers of Christ. I probably won't know or recognize my child. He or She probably won't be an infant anymore. And honestly, in the presence of God I probably won't care. But tonight, I do.

I was having a fun evening, I was posting some very unique photos of my sons pretending to be ninjas. But then... on my Facebook home screen, another pregnancy announcement. I'm TRYING to love everyone and be happy for everyone! I have two great sons, I am blessed. But every new baby being formed, is a reminder that mine didn't make it.  My empty guest room, with a bed covered in laundry that needs to be folded, instead of a crib and changing table is a reminder that mine didn't make it.My husband is coming home before the end of the year, and that's another reminder... We would be almost ready to welcome our new child. When he steps off that plane, the day dream of him hugging me, and touching my very swollen 8 month pregnant belly will be replaced with the usual scene of me standing back while our boys run to their father.
I am HAPPY for my friends, I don't want it to seem like people cant post things about their babies and their lives and their milestones. WOnderful things that are fun and exciting to celebrate.
I just also can not ignore that I was supposed to be celebrating them too.
I feel like another pregnancy would help me move forward. I couldnt replace Ailin, but I can go on with life. But I am wrestling the fear of another miscarriage. Wrestling the fears of what if I'm just not going to be able to have anymore children? I'm arrogant to think I'm healing, when really I am bottling things up. I ignore and ignore it. But every pregnancy announcement brings out the tears again.

I am pleased with part of my growth. My beautiful sister in law had her first son today! I wasn't sad, or thinking of Ailin. I was just SOO relieved for her! and so loving the news and photos of my new nephew Cale!

I'm okay, and not okay at the same time. I know what that means now.
I appreciate any prayers as I continue enduring this trial in my life :)